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What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
Enrique: The disease (or manageability of life’s responsibilities, or uncomfortability of habits, tendencies, behaviors, character patterns, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, emotions) of addiction means to me that once I begin a pattern of behavior that causes relief or a temporary escape from daunting life tasks, it is almost impossible for me to stop if I do not practice the steps.
Right now I am shopping compulsively online. I have stopped acting out sexually and find myself trying to foolishly compensate for “loneliness” or “perhaps a false sense of freedom and security” by treating myself to clothing without regard for financial responsibilities and limitations.
It is said that in recovery it becomes difficult to find the line between good and bad behaviour, especially when the desire to stop using is lifted. However, in my case, I have to practice the principles of the program. I spent over 500 dollars on saturday night to create a new wardrobe, and tonight I found even MORE to purchase. Just for today, I will wait until I receive even one of three shipments before I order again.
Why is this such a big deal to me? Because I act impulsively knowing that I should wait until, I have a job or income, I receive money owed, and until checks clear.
Now what is the upside? I did not act out sexually (and this is a commitment that I have been working on for a long time) and am often turned on by women both inside (no chance) and outside (too far) of the program. I am not ready to act upon interests to get to know women more intimately until I practice the program in my relationship with my higher power. I know from experience that I will squander energy, resources and time, if I try to pursue a woman without establishing a concrete program that I develop, share it with a sponsor and sponsees, and continue to do service while maintaining daily serenity..
Why are these things important to me? Because my life today is incredibly great, and I do not wish to derail my recovery process by chasing a fetish and fantasy. I have had plenty of opportunities to do that. I share the experience with others to keep it fresh but that does not mean I have to actually manifest the same behaviour today.
I suppose, the simple answer to the question is: Addiction stops me from having new experiences and exploring new facets of my character and personality for the better good. For my self, my family, my work, and the community at large. Addiction steers me away from the greatest power I have known which I am just starting to learn how to live with: Love for a higher power that protects and guides me. And don’t think I don’t feel at times that this is stupid or corny, but honestly, there is no better way to confront the suffering of daily life and the eternal suffering of the world than with a positive attitude and through effective works that are the proof of my gratitude for being alive and clean.
The disease of addiction to me means that I carry a destructive quality which adds a certain spice, against which I can measure myself and apply a moral approach to people, places and things, so that I might truly delve into my self and serve the divine purpose that created me.
Surrendering to the idea that I have a disease of addiction shows humility in that, even if I were to argue any part of the concept, for a moment I diminish my ego enough to accept that I am not the center of the universe. Surrendering to this idea allows me to put people, places and things in their appropriate place, so that I can proceed in life under the grace of the Lord, God, the Creator, Divine Love, etc. Surrendering to this concept allows me to identify the struggles that others have and with the subsequent principles and steps, I can allow for my higher power to guide me and work through me so that I can literally face the hell - that I used once as a sheath and that burned me in punishment and pain, and become part of the heaven on earth that so many search for and die trying to obtain - without becoming scarred.
4/2/2013
"A storytelling documentation in a stream-of-consciousness record. "that which we hide from our selves will produce the nightmares of our own unmaking." - esho (Excerpt from the OCHIAMU Tales)
